Posted at 09:24h
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by Dr. David
If you are like me and have been married for several years, I find it easy to let the everyday tasks and needs of the family consume my time and focus. Paying the bills, mowing the lawn, preparing dinner, running the kids to school, attending recitals, shuttling kids to soccer practice, providing for the family financially are all necessary but if those are the only things that define your marriage then you are just coexisting. You’re roommates with a common goal of raising your children.
Successful businesses know the importance of having a vision and are intentional about developing a culture that supports and fosters the growth of the vision. Good marriages should take note of this concept. What is your vision for your marriage’s relationship? What type of culture have you intentionally cultivated to achieve that vision?
You may find that your vision may differ from your spouse’s. Being able to support their goals even though they may not be your own is an important step toward a healthy relationship. You will also find that as you age and as your spouse ages your goals and visions progressively evolve. I certainly am not the same person my wife married 26 years ago, yet she still supports the ever changing person I am becoming. The more common ground you have on the big issues, the easier the marriage becomes, however.
John Gottman lists 4 pillars of Shared Meaning
1.
Rituals of Connection - One of my most vivid family memories as a child are the times we spent around the dinner table. As we ate together, we shared our day’s experiences. Cell phones and iPads didn’t exist back then so there was no temptation to check my latest messages or emails. In today’s world we need to be more intentional about this time together. We have too many distractions. What other traditions do you share in your family - a particular vacation spot you visit yearly, praying together, gathering at holidays, or tucking your kids into bed at night? What new connections can you ritualize so you can create new memories?