12 Jul Creating Shared Meaning – Revitalizing Your Marriage
If you are like me and have been married for several years, I find it easy to let the everyday tasks and needs of the family consume my time and focus. Paying the bills, mowing the lawn, preparing dinner, running the kids to school, attending recitals, shuttling kids to soccer practice, providing for the family financially are all necessary but if those are the only things that define your marriage then you are just coexisting. You’re roommates with a common goal of raising your children.
Successful businesses know the importance of having a vision and are intentional about developing a culture that supports and fosters the growth of the vision. Good marriages should take note of this concept. What is your vision for your marriage’s relationship? What type of culture have you intentionally cultivated to achieve that vision?
You may find that your vision may differ from your spouse’s. Being able to support their goals even though they may not be your own is an important step toward a healthy relationship. You will also find that as you age and as your spouse ages your goals and visions progressively evolve. I certainly am not the same person my wife married 26 years ago, yet she still supports the ever changing person I am becoming. The more common ground you have on the big issues, the easier the marriage becomes, however.
John Gottman lists 4 pillars of Shared Meaning
1. Rituals of Connection – One of my most vivid family memories as a child are the times we spent around the dinner table. As we ate together, we shared our day’s experiences. Cell phones and iPads didn’t exist back then so there was no temptation to check my latest messages or emails. In today’s world we need to be more intentional about this time together. We have too many distractions. What other traditions do you share in your family – a particular vacation spot you visit yearly, praying together, gathering at holidays, or tucking your kids into bed at night? What new connections can you ritualize so you can create new memories?
2. Support For Each Other’s Roles – We all have many roles in life. We are a spouse, a parent, a son or daughter, a friend, and an employee or a boss. The extent to which you agree with your spouse on the roles each of you play contributes to the happiness and success of the marriage. Discuss your views of parenting and your expectations of the role each will play in providing for the family financially and doing household chores. You don’t necessarily need to agree on every aspect but respecting the other person’s point of view is important. The more areas that you agree, the happier the relationship.
3. Shared Goals – Do you even have any defined goals for your career, health, relationships, spiritual life? Discuss your deeper goals with your spouse, not just the superficial tasks you want to accomplish. Once you understand your spouse’s goals help them achieve them. Working towards shared goals creates intimacy.
4. Shared Values and Symbols – Your values are the philosophical tenants that guide your decisions. My wife’s and my religious beliefs are at the core of our shared values. We have a wall in our kitchen that is covered with different crosses, the symbol of our Christian belief. Our home is a symbol of our values. We believe in a simple lifestyle. Our home is a simple metal structure we affectionately call “The Barn.” Its interior is decorated with items from our travels, my wife’s photography, and pictures of the kids. It was built to make people feel comfortable and to entertain. Family stories can also demonstrate shared values. One of the stories we love to tell are the stories of the turtles, stingrays, colorful fish, and sharks that we saw on our scuba adventures. To hear us tell our encounters with benign nurse sharks, one may think we had a close encounter with a Great White. The scuba stories emphasize the importance we place on staying active and exploration. What values do you share with your spouse and your family? What new stories can you create?
Building healthy a marriage means being intentional about the relationship. Intentionally build one new pillar of shared meaning into your marriage this week.
Here are some other articles on marriage that you may find helpful.
Here’s to the Journey!
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