29 Feb Revitalizing Your Marriage (Principle 2 of 7)

Fondness is an antidote for disrespect, contempt, and condescension.  What would your marriage look life if you intentionally cherished the positive character traits of your spouse instead of concentrating or dwelling on the traits that upset you?

“94% of the time, couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s story and their partner’s character are likely to have a happy future as well.  When happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help.”  John M. Gottman, PhD

When hard times hit a marriage, the amount of positive emotional reserve a couple has invested in each other determines how the marriage fairs.  Think about a time in your marriage when you were upset with your partner.  If that episode occurred after a blissful romantic weekend together, chances are no real harm was done.  If, however, that fight occurs after several tumultuous months of friction, the negative effect of the fight will have a greater negative impact.  Be intentional about building a large reserve of admiration for one another.  In the middle of conflict we automatically draw on that reserve.

In research by Elizabeth Robinson and Gail Prince, they found that couples who were unhappily married only noticed half of the positive interactions with their partner.

Stop and intentionally think about positive characteristics of your partner.  List things that you admire about them.  Write down things that you appreciate about them.   Share those examples with your partner.  Everyday things such as washing the dishes, doing the laundry, working hard for the family, a conversation or a hug all count.  Now that you have a list to reference, during the day briefly recall and cherish those positive traits.

Sit down and remember your past.  Discuss with your spouse how the two of you met and what attracted you to your spouse initially.  Share memories of your wedding and wedding night.  Remember some of the happy movements of your first year together.  Remember some of the happier moments in the marriage.  Keeping those found memories alive is important for the health of your marriage.

Here’s to the Journey!