23 Apr Solve the Solvable Problems: Part 1

Some people love conflict.  Not me, I hate it!  If I can, I will avoid it.  Why pick a fight with a large man covered in tattoos and probably caring a gun.  (I apologize to all you large tattooed men for the stereotype.)  Sometimes living to fight another day is the answer.  Avoiding all conflict is not possible, however.  If you have been married for more than a couple of days you understand this.  In the early years of my marriage, my answer to conflict was silence.  Don’t talk about it.  Don’t talk about anything.   Silence unfortunately doesn’t solve the problem.  Poor communication only makes the problem fester and grow.  By not addressing the conflict at the onset, the emotional injury grows larger and more problematic.

Some of you love to fight.  A good fight feels cathartic.  Lots of yelling, screaming, and door slamming makes you feel in control.  This opposite extreme is not healthy either.  The scars of hurt feelings and trampled self esteem can be difficult to heal, if conflict is not handled with respect.  Conflict is a natural part of relationships.  We all have our own unique perspectives.  We each arrive at a problem with a unique skill set and a perspective shaped by our unique life path.

Concepts of Healthy Conflict

1.  Remember negative emotions are important.  When your partner hurts, stop and listen.
2.  Conflict is not about right or wrong, winning or losing.  If you win and your partner loses, that makes them a loser.  Do you want to be married to a loser?  Search for win/win solutions.
3. Your partner must feel understood and accepted.  Stop and first listen to understand their point of view instead of trying to be understood.  If you cause your partner to feel unappreciated, then it will be difficult for them to understand you.
4. Focus on fondness and admiration of your mate.

(I’ll share part two tomorrow.)

Here’s to the Journey!