Solve the Solvable Problems: Part 2 | Dr. David Ball, MD Concierge Care
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Solve the Solvable Problems: Part 2

Conflict is not the problem.  The problem is how we fight.  Even healthy marriages will have conflict, even heated conflict.

Back in the 1980’s Kenny Rogers had a popular hit, Coward of the County.   If you are too young to remember it, look it up on iTunes.  It was a popular country song about a father who had been in trouble with the law.   He had his son promise, “not to do the things I’ve done.  Walk away from trouble when you can.”  The  son struggled to avoid conflict at all cost.  He became the Coward of the County.   In the end he learned it is not possible nor is it healthy to avoid all conflict.  “Sometimes you have to fight when you’re a man.”

There are two basic kinds of problems – those that can be solved and those that are unsolvable.  Accept that as two different people there are some things upon which you are never going to agree.  Concentrate on solving those problems that can be solved and accept the rest.

6 Proactive Steps to Manage Conflict

  1.  Invest in the relationship before conflict begins – Spend time showing gratitude for your mate.  Make frequent positive deposits into your spouse’s emotional bank account with frequent kind deeds and words.  If they feel loved, moments of conflict will be less threatening.
  2.  Soften the start up – Avoid being critical, contemptuous, and defensive.  Share some responsibility in the problem and share how the problem makes you feel.  Be specific about the problem and offer a positive need that you have.
  3. Learn to make and receive repair attempts – When your partner tries to repair the situation, be able to recognize that attempt.  It can be difficult to recognize repair attempts if your relationship has no emotional reserve.  If that is the case, then be overt with your repair attempts.  Speak clearly and without ambiguity.
  4. Be able to sooth yourself and your partner when you are emotionally charged –  Walk away from trouble when you can.   Before conflict arises, have your partner share with you the techniques you can use to help sooth their emotionally charged state.
  5. Compromise – Finding ways to accommodate each other is the only way to solve problems.  It means you must be able to consider their opinion, not that you need to agree with their position.
  6. Deal with emotional injuries immediately –  Do not wait.  Not addressing the injury leads to emotional distance.

 

Here’s to the Journey!

 

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(David W. Ball, MD, an Internal Medicine physician, founder of NuVitality Health – a wellness education company, and co-founder of Life Changing Fitness – where your goal is our mission)

David Ball
drdavid@drdavidball.com
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