25 Apr 4 Practical Concepts That Will Free You From Anger

Anger is the most destructive of all emotions.  It possesses with an overpowering sense of control.  Otherwise rational people do and say things they would never otherwise say.  In an instant stinging words fly over the tongue like darts from a gun.  Often our loved ones are the most wounded.

I  am a recovering perfectionist.  I was my toughest critic. In my mind nothing that I did was ever good enough.  It could always be better.  If I got an A on a test, why was it not an A+?  If I did my absolute best but received a B, then I felt like a failure.  Less than perfect was not acceptable.  That is a miserable way to live.  It leaves you always feeling inadequate and less than whole.  That personal viewpoint became a window that I interpreted others’ actions through. The impossible expectations that I held for myself became the filter through which I judged the actions, intentions, and the lives of others.  The gap between my expectations and reality led to frustration and anger.

Victory came through a different paradigm.  I came to a realization that my best isn’t perfect but it is good enough.  Scriptures teaches that God loves us just they way we are – imperfect people.  Good enough is all that we can expect from anybody.  This freed me to believe that other people are generally doing their best as well.  As my expectations changed, the gap between those expectations and reality narrowed.  I finally found peace.  I felt less frustrated and became less angry.

4 Practical Steps for Anger Management.

– Take Responsibility – Don’t blame your genetics.  Don’t blame others.  Decide to live proactively instead of reactively.  Your wife, husband, brother, sister, mother, father, friend, or coworker doesn’t control your actions.  You may have been injured or abused by somebody in the past, but you have control of what you do.  You have a choice and the freedom to decide how you will respond.

– Recognize The Onset of Anger – Anger is a primal emotion that is fed by our Amygdala.  The Amygdala is part of the Limbic System.  The Limbic system controls some of our most basic needs.   Among other things it controls our fight or flight response.  The Prefrontal Cortex, in opposition, is the portion of the brain that controls rational thought.  It is the portion of the brain that interprets our surroundings and develops logical solutions to our problems.  The 2 systems are diametrically opposed.  When the Limbic system controls our thought processes, it becomes challenging to think rationally.  As you become angry you will feel physiologic changes.  Your pulse increases, your face feels flushed, and your heart beats more strongly.  These physiologic parameters are signs that you need to “cool down.”  Nothing good will be said or done when you feel this way.  Decide proactively that you will alleviate regret by taking intentional steps to cool anger impulses before they spiral out of control.  Intentionally monitor the way you feel in conflict.

– Walk away and calm yourself – Once you feel yourself becoming emotionally charged, step away.  It will likely take approximately 20 minutes for your body and your psyche to reset.  Meditate, exercise, and/or concentrate on positive attributes of the person with which you are arguing.  Look for ways to understand their perspective.  Look for win/win solutions.  Paul, in Ephesians, encouraged us to change the attitudes of our mind.  Anger comes when there is a gap between reality and our expectations.  Our expectations of others and the expectations of ourselves are the problem.  The attitudes of our mind need to change.  They need to be renewed.  Our relationship with others and how we view others is a reflection of how we view ourselves.

– You can only change yourself – Psychologic studies have found that we need to say 5 uplifting things for every harmful thing that we say in a fit of anger.  When anger attacks repeatedly over many years, the damage will be difficult to reverse.  Anger alienates.  The people who have been most hurt by your unstable mood will not be interested in being open and vulnerable.  You may not be able to regain their trust.  All you can do is change yourself.   How they respond is not under your control.  Your best chance to restore the relationship, however, is to continuously apply these principles.  Over time you may be able to regain their trust by proving you have changed.

I am still a work in progress, but my journey is intentional.  If you want things to be different, then you need to do something different.  Blaming others and your life experiences never solves anything.  Commit to intentional change today.

Here’s to the Journey!

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