04 Jan My ________ Made Me Do IT!

Have you lost the belief that change is possible?  If you find yourself there, then review my series of  posts, the “The Illusive Sense of Contentment.” Here you will find 5 practical steps to develop a positive mindset, the fertile ground for fostering change.

Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says that the first step of positive change is to develop a Proactive mindset vs. Reactive mindset.  It is all too easy to blame our problems on our environment, genetics, or the way our parents raised us.  Society believes that when presented with a situation our feelings, circumstances, or conditions should drive our response.  Our emotions at the time determine what we do.  Reactive people behave with a Pavlovian reflex.  When a stimulus is applied a predetermined action follows.  Reactive people take no responsibility for their actions, after all, they are only responding the way nature or somebody else made them.  They live by ever changing feelings that flow with the circumstances.  Proactive people, on the other hand,  live based on unchanging core principles.  They believe that between the stimulus and the response, we have the freedom to chose.  We have the ability to write new outcomes and new results that may differ from our natural reflexes.   We may not be able to control what situations we encounter, but we can control our response to them.

One of my favorite examples of this Stephen Covey mentions in his book.  In the Old Testament Joseph was adored by his father.  His other brothers were jealous so the sold him into slavery.  Joseph could have become depressed and defeated, but he proved himself an asset to Potiphar.  Potiphar subsequently placed him in charge of his entire household.  Later Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce Joseph.  It would have been easy for Joseph to succumb to the feelings of the moment.  He chose to rebuke her and stood on principle.  Potiphar’s wife became angry and had him imprisoned.  Despite his misfortune, he continued to live his life by principle and once again found himself succeeding, eventually, becoming the second most powerful man in Egypt.  He chose to not let his circumstances define who he was or how he would respond.  The sooner we take responsibility for our own actions, the sooner we begin the process of positive growth and healing.  The longer we blame others and previous experiences, the longer we delay the true change we seek.

One of the most common reactive lifestyles centers around the concept of love.  Society confuses what love really is.  Hollywood concentrates on the feeling of love and emphasizes how people “fall in love” and “fall out of love.”  Yes love is a feeling, but more importantly it is a verb.  Specifically, it is an action verb.  True love is the act of sacrificing and dedicating to serve another person in the difficult times.  It is the commitment to loving them when you don’t feel in love.  Anybody can feel love in the blissful times, but only a proactive, value driven individual can choose love when the stimulus suggests we do the opposite.  I can not control what my spouse does, how she acts, or if she loves me in return,  but I can chose to intentionally serve and dedicate myself to her.

What is the verbiage you speak to yourself?  Do you say, “There is nothing I can do,” or do you ask, “What are my alternatives?”  Do you complain, “She makes me mad,” or when she shows anger do you remind yourself, “I can control my own feelings.”  Point of confession – I am not always the most patient person with the people I care about the most, my wife and children.  I find it is all too easy to blame my genetics, my parents, or the behavior of my family.  In the end my response is my choice, my responsibility, and mine alone.  Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  I can chose a gentle answer that promotes healing.  The fist step of change is for me to admit that I choose to be angry, and therefore, I can choose to be patient.  We are all imperfect creatures, but have been given the great gift and potential for growth.  Proverbs 14:8 “The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways.”  Be intentional about your ways.  Chose to be Proactive instead of Reactive.  Focus on the things that you can change.

“Lord, give me the courage to change the things which can be changed, the serenity to accept the things which cannot be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference.” – Serenity Prayer

Here’s to the Journey!

(David W. Ball, MD, an Internal Medicine physician, founder of NuVitality Health – a wellness education company, and co-founder of Life Changing Fitness – a fitness facility for Every Body)