1. Harsh start up  – The argument immediately becomes negative and accusatory.  Studies show that if an argument begins with a harsh start up it inevitably will end negatively
2. Criticism vs complaint – Criticism expresses a negative feeling about a person’s character or personality.  Criticism is terribly destructive.  Complaints, if presented appropriately and timely, can be constructive.  Complaints should focus on specific behaviors.  Here is a 3 part healthy way of presenting a complaint:  1.  Present how you feel  2.  Be specific about the problem  3.  Suggest specific actions steps that you feel would solve the problem.
3. Contempt – This arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner.  It may take the form of sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile/hurtful humor.
4. Defensiveness – This is really a way of blaming your partner.  “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”
5. Flooding – One feels shell-shocked from their partner’s extreme and sudden negativity.  Flooding is marked by an increase in heart rate, stress hormones such as cortisol, and in blood pressure.  Flooding indicates severe emotional distress.  Once one becomes emotionally flooded the ability to process information and creatively problem solve deteriorates significantly.
6. Stonewalling – One partner eventually tunes out.  Usually people stonewall to protect themselves psychologically from flooding.
7. Failed Repair attempts – A crucial factor in order for a marriage to survive is whether a couple’s repair attempts succeed or fail.  When the previous noted factors prevail, repair attempts often go unnoticed or ignored.
8. Bad memories – Partners that are entrenched in a negative view of their partner and their marriage often rewrite their past.  They may even find the past difficult to remember – a sign that it has become so unimportant or painful that they’ve let if fade.

Once a couple finds itself in the final stage, one of three things happens:

1. They get a divorce.
2. They stay in an unhealthy relationship, living separate lives under the same roof.
3. They find a way to repair the relationship.

If you find yourself in such a negative cycle, there is still hope.  Over the next few weeks we are going to review the research of John Gottman, a prominent relationship researcher.  We are going to review intentional steps that can be taken to keep your marriage healthy and repair damaged relationships.