22 Mar Revitalizing Your Marriage (Principle 3 of 7)

O-kay, this is another time for me to confess.  This is something at which I have to work.  I naturally am driven to achieve so I find myself easily consumed by my latest task, most recent study or captivating book.  All of those things are fine but not at the expense of connecting with my wife.  At times I am oblivious to why our relationship feels distant, yet I haven’t taken the time to connect with her.  The more couples interact and connect with each other the happier their marriages become.  It is in those moments when we turn toward each other that we develop trust.

Real life romance is kept alive by letting your spouse know they are valued in the everyday moments.  Stay engaged in the routine tasks.  If your spouse asks you to take out the garbage and you do so willingly, you are affirming that they matter.  If, on the other hand, you ignore or deny their request for help, you are communicating that you are more important than the relationship.  The more we connect with our spouse the more positivity we deposit in our “relationship bank account.”   The more savings couples have in their relationship bank account, the more goodwill they have to soften the hard feelings during the difficult times.  Studies by John Gottman have shown couples who remain together in a positive relationship connect with each other 86% of the time.  Couples that end up getting divorced, by contrast, only connect each other 33% of the time.

Many people think that the secret to rekindling the romance is a weekend getaway.  Weekend getaways do little good for a couple unless they have spent time connecting with their partner during the routine activities.  Being helpful to each other with the simple tasks is far more beneficial than a trip for two.

Be intentional about listening to your spouse’s requests for help and attention.  If the relationship has been on a rocky road, sometimes the bid for attention may come negatively.  Put aside the harsh words and listen to the underlying message.  If need be stop and breath.  Take 5 seconds to breath in, hold it for 5 seconds, exhale for 5 seconds, hold it for 5 seconds, then inhale for 5 more seconds.  This breathing technique can be used to lower your heart rate and your emotions.  It gives you time to think logically and respond to their plea for attention positively.  If you are not sure how to respond say, “I want to respond positively, but I am not sure what it is you want.  How may I help?”

Technology can be very distracting and often can acts as a barrier to healthy communication and interaction.  Be careful not to depend on your computer, iPad, Facebook, or the internet for your emotional needs.  While those may be acceptable in healthy doses, often times people spend more and more time on the internet looking for the very thing the internet is depriving them of.  This can be unintentional, but online social media can be very addictive.  Be intentional about your marriage.  Pay attention to your spouse’s emotional needs.  Don’t let mindless distractions deprive you of opportunities for emotional connection.

A good practice to get into is to spend 20-30 minutes at the end of the day sharing with your spouse the details of your day outside of marriage.  This is a great time to show support for your spouse.

John Gottman gives 8 suggestions to make the best of this time.

1. Take turns sharing.
2. Show genuine interest.
3. Don’t give unsolicited advice.
4. Communicate your understanding.
5. Take your partner’s side.
6. Express a “we against them” attitude.
7. Show affection.
8. Validate emotions.

Here’s to the Journey!