30 Mar Seek the Input of Your Spouse

At 48 years old I am beginning to ponder what the second half of my life will look like.  Have I lived up to my potential in the first half?  Have I used my God given gifts to their fullest?  I wonder if I stay on my current path will I land where I want.

(Featured Photo was taken by my talented wife, Sara Ball – It has nothing to do with the topic, but I find that her work brings a smile to my heart.)

A friend recommended reading “Halftime: Moving from Success to Significance” by Bob Bufford.  He compares life to an athletic game.  Sometimes the first half of the game doesn’t go as well as planned, so a team regroups during halftime.  Life can be viewed in much the same way, however, we never really know when half-time is.  We think that the decade of our 40’s is our mid-life point, but nobody knows for sure.  We may be in the last 2 minutes of the game.

I was reminded again of this when my brother-in-law had a heart attack at the age of 52.  He has 2 small children.  He, like the rest of us at this age, understand intellectually the finiteness of life, but we often procrastinate the important things thinking tomorrow will be always there.  Fortunately he recognized the symptoms early and is doing well.  It was a reminder, however, that today is a precious gift.

I want to intentionally make every moment count.  If I were to leave this earth tomorrow, I want my family and friends to feel loved by my words and my actions.  I want them to have a storehouse of happy and encouraging memories.  I have much work to do!

In “The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying” by Bronnie Ware, Bronnie wrote about a woman who was in the later stages of dying, and her hands had become so swollen that her wedding ring was cutting off the circulation to her finger.  The story describes how the husband tearfully struggled to remove the wedding band that had been on his wife’s finger for 50 years.  As the implication of his action settled, he curled up beside his terminal wife.  Their life had been rich and full together.  I want to have that kind of relationship.  I want to finish my life with no regrets.  If Sara, my wife, and I are lucky to live another 40-50 years, I want to still be married to her.  I want to be married to her not because of a legalistic duty but because we are bound to each other with a strong healthy emotional bond and a deep love that is expressed through mutual sacrifice.  A love like that, for most of us, will only  come through intentional living.

That brings us to the 4th principle of happy marriage.  We need to show mutual respect by incorporating our spouse into our decision making.  We should bolster their self-esteem by expressing a desire to include them in the decisions that determine our life’s paths.  This doesn’t mean that we always need to agree, but their should be equal input into the decision making process.  Search for common ground instead of insisting that things always be done your way.  Sometimes compromising and yielding is the answer to winning.  When a conflict of opinion arises we basically have two choices.  We can deescalate the tension or we can ramp up the negativity.  According to John Gottman we increase the negativity in 4 ways:  ignoring, becoming defensive, criticizing, or expressing contempt.

Even a conservative Biblical view of marriage encourages loving and esteeming your spouse.  Husbands are often worse about not sharing power, but it can go either way.  A partner that insists on being authoritative shows no honor or respect for his/her partner and if he/she refuses to share power will become a lonely person.  “The consequence,” of such an authoritative life says John Gottman, “is that no one will much care about him while he lives nor morn him when he dies.”

Seek the input of your spouse.  Intentionally bolster their esteem but asking their opinion and actively including them in the decision making process.   Curl up beside somebody you love today!

Here’s to the Journey!