03 Nov The Elusive Sense of Contentment Part 3 of 5 (Love)

Jesus was asked “What is the greatest commandment?”  His response in Matthew 21: 37-39 was ” love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your mind, and all your soul.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is Love your neighbor as yourself”

My wife and daughter play a game in the morning.  They try to be the first to tell the other that they love them.  It is not good enough that they simply tell them that they love each other.  They have to say that they love each other to infinity.  What a beautiful picture – to know that somebody you care about rushes to your side each morning to tell you that they love you to infinity.

Happy relationships are characterized by a ratio of positive behaviors and statements to negative behaviors and statements of 5:1.  Unfortunately hurtful actions and statements are more powerful than the good things we do and say.  For every bad thing we do or say we have to do at least 3 good things just to cancel it out.  If we want to have an overall happy relationship the ratio needs to be at least 5:1.  We can never say or do enough good things for the people that we care about the most.

Make time for the people you care about away from all the distractions of the TV, email, Facebook, text messages and the like.  They deserve you undivided attention.  Communicate directly with them, face-to-face, looking them eye-to-eye.  Actually listen to what they say and develop engaging questions so they know you are actively listening.

Make a routine to do this.  It will not happen in our hectic lives if we are not intentional about setting this time aside.

Pay attention to specific behaviors that you appreciate about a loved one and share that with them.  It may be their smile, the way they look that day, something they do.  Whatever it is just tell them.  Let them know that you are grateful for them and appreciate even the smallest things they do and say.

Delight in your partners success.  Psychologist have shown that often what differentiates good and bad relationships is not how we respond to each other in a crisis, but how we respond to our partners achievements, successes, and good times.  Look around yourself and take note who is celebrating with you.  Notice how that makes you feel and replicate it for somebody else when they have success.

As you spend more time with them,  you will learn about their dreams and aspirations.  Do whatever you can do to help those dreams become a reality.

How do you manage conflict with those you care about?  Conflict will always be part of relationships, but how you fight is key.  Voice a complaint about a particular action but avoid harsh criticism about the person’s character.  Harsh criticisms and contempt leave the person feeling ashamed, disliked, blamed and defective.  You don’t want to be married to a “loser” so don’t make them feel like one.  Attempt to deesculate the tension.  Use friendly gestures or humor, express affection, and acknowledge that you can see their point of view.  Stay connected by keeping eye contact.  Look up when your partner sends a signal to make up.  Give your partner a chance to be heard and show that you are listening.  None of these things are easy to do in “the heat of battle,” but vigilance and persistence develops emotional habits.  Habits that eventually become automatic.  Responses that become so ingrained that our automatic behavior is of love and understanding instead our natural self-preserving response of blame and distain.

“All you need is Love.”  John Lennon

Here’s to the Journey!